I am a man. I am Marcus

[Marcus Jonathan]

I have been lying to myself for 22 years by trying to conform and make others happy. I was born in the wrong body and I want to correct that. I am tired of people saying they love me but accepting me for who I am. This part of my life is no longer about others, it is about me and doing what would make me happy.

I have been depressed for the past month but kept it a secret because no one really understands me or who I am as a person. I hide from people because they don't want to know me, they wish to know the image of me that they have in their head. "She" is what others have made me. I have always been "he" and will continue to be he. I am no longer hiding from myself and I will be getting my sex change.

I choose not to believe in god because he made a mistake when creating me. No one wants to understand my beliefs or my way of thinking which why I do not speak or church or god. I hate god and I resent anyone who sees me as a female. I used to cut myself because I wanted a way out. I want the female in me to just drain from me and leave Marcus alone. I need everyone to forget Natasha and only speak to Marcus. Marcus is the only person that exists.

[Zohra]

Hi Marcus,

I know exactly how you feel sweety, i have been going through the same and all of us transsexuals have to... sometimes its easy, sometimes its REALLY REALLY HARD... but we can not live any different way...

I wish you a lot of luck on your road buddy.. we are all here to support eachother!


Zohra

[Monica Blair]

I can also understand what your going through Marcus. For the most part I feel trapped in the image of the me that people have come to accept but deep down inside it's not the real me. I've gone through my life acting male. It's really scary to want to break out of that role and hope my family and friends will just come to accept the real me. But at this point for me it's a matter of my sanity vs. their acceptance. Your not alone, and I sincerely wish you all the best.

[Veronica]

Great news Marcus. I went through that while I was part time. Once you succeed in transition? It all gets better. Once you are free to live as you see fit, you will find that life is a whole new game and that you can find happiness and satisfaction just in being you. This is what I mean by life keeps getting better and better. Do not despair. The first and most important step to take is HORMONES not surgery. Stop the flow of the hormones that you DO NOT want in M2F cases, and in F2M cases such as yourself, START the flow of what you DO want:P "T". I wish that there was a way to trade....(sigh) But then again, I stopped cursing and hating God and starting THANKING her after my transition on the job. Instead of hating my life and wanting to end it, I am grateful for it and now see my being transgender as a BLESSING and not a curse. Why? I am HIGHLY attuned to what makes men crazy. I have a real knack for being subtle and even in that subtlety being sexy. giggles
You will be a man who knows what women think. You will be a man who understands the mysteries that elude the male population. I watched a show about Drag Kings on cable this past week and the insights that those guys had taught me a few things about gender that I had not perceived. I realize the difference between drag ANYTHING and Transgender, I am a full time preop (for now) with ambition of becoming post op. But I learned something from those who work the drag circuit on that show and it was well worth the watching just for that insight. I do hope that you come to see your transgender status as the blessing that it really is and not just the curse that you currently perceive it to be. So your road to manhood is a little bit more difficult than it is for genetic men. Just because it is more difficult does NOT make it impossible. You CAN overcome and you WILL. I believe in you. Too many of us have succeeded and are succeeeding for this to be wrong. If I can do it, ANYONE can.